I Can't Possibly Compete with THAT !
by FlowerofAdversity
Summary: Inspired by "Don't Mess with the Zohan", I find myself in NY and drooling over one flamboyant, sexy hairstylist...


I Can't Possibly Compete with THAT

Synopsis: Based on a dream about "Don't Mess with the Zohan", I find myself in New York meeting Zohan and find there is another girl in his life, one much prettier than myself.

"You want I fix ? I fix."--Zohan

Chapter 1--A Body That Can't Be Ignored

I was a suburbanite. I wasn't used to big city life, so when I found myself in New York, I was definitely out of my element. The culture of the city though was mesmerizing and I almost forgot where I was. Before a cab nearly ran me over, the cabbie yelled,

"Tourist !", at the top of his lungs.

"Yeah, so I'm a tourist ! So what of it ?!", I yelled back, throwing up my arms. I was a bit unnerved, so I decided to walk around the city and see all the sights I could before nightfall. There was a small hair salon I had heard rumors about from women gossiping in the streets. Intrigued, I allowed my curiosity to take over and asked around about the salon I had heard so much about. I was in desperate need of a new hairstyle and this was exactly they place I had been looking for. When I caught a sight of the buff, handsome Mid-Easterner giving a bit of a flamboyant, sexually charged performance, I couldn't take my eyes off him. First came the irresistible muscles, then the dark eyes and raven hair, and at last, the killer smile. I felt like my heart was going to explode. I never felt more strongly for a man than I had for him, but I was too shy to say anything.

Suddenly I heard the voice of my subconscious.

"Assert yourself, Elizabeth ! You have to walk in that salon immediately. If you don't know you might regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but for the rest of your life." I rolled my eyes at how geeky my conscious sounded at times. But I knew she was right and I had to listen to reason.

Confidently, I sauntered in, blushing immediately when Zohan saw me. Dahlia, the main stylist, looked for my name and didn't see me in her schedule.

"So, Ms. Berndt is it ?", she asked. I nodded my head, unable to look at Zohan. He was far too beautiful for me to look at directly. I was afraid that if I did, I would do one of two things:

1) Faint

2) Act like a complete and utter idiot

I did neither.

"I would like that man to cut my hair.", I said, pointing directly at Zohan. Zohan wasn't with a customer, so I was next. I felt my heart palpitate in my chest and my cheeks still radiated from having direct eye contact at him. When I heard him speak I thought I would sing, or dance. If I had had synesthesia, I would've equated his words with the taste of honey.

"So, where are you from ?", he asked, flirting with me boldly. I couldn't keep myself from blushing and I had never felt my cheeks grow so hot. My whole body felt like it was on the verge of lighting up like a roman candle and igniting.

"I'm from Indiana. I live a small town.", I answered, smiling broadly. His body movements were hypnotic and I was feeling strangely turned on by them.

"Are all the women as beautiful and intelligent as you are there ?", he asked, stroking my cheek like a lover would. I felt shivers travel up my spine.

"I wouldn't know really. But you know how to flatter a girl. Flattery, my dear Israeli friend, will get you no where.", I said, prodding him in the ribcage to tease him a bit. He chuckled.

"How did you know I was from Israel ?", he asked.

"Accent. I have a lot of Jewish friends. My IM service is like a mini UN.", I said, honestly. He was impressed.

"You have an excellent ear. What is your name, my lily ?", he questioned, heaping on the praise and flattery even more. That accent of his was making my whole frame tingle. I had to keep my wits about me, or I would end in a heap of trouble.

"Elizabeth. You can call me Beth, Zohan.", I said, shaking his hand. He had never had a lady shake his hand. Usually they tried stripping him or kissing him before the "bang booms" started, but he wasn't really doing that. His assistants were. He had stopped having sex in the back room because he had a woman now and was planning on marrying her someday. I was unaware of this, but he had asked to see me in the back room. I felt my temperature rise, particularly when he touched me.

"I think I know why you brought me back here.", I said, looking at my sandals bashfully. He brought my face to his to kiss me, and I drank it in, feeling as if I would drown.

"I can't, even though I want to. The lower half of my body says, 'Yeah, baby, bring it on !', while my head says, 'Idiot, what are you _thinking_ ?!'", I stated, trying not to cry. I told him why I couldn't just have sex with a guy I met and why I had been waiting so long for romance in my life. I had been too busy with making a successful life for myself that I hadn't had time to worry about love. It simply wasn't important to me. In fact, I had stopped looking for a potential mate that it wasn't a factor what-so-ever.

"But you've got these unbelievable curves that are just…WOW…And your skin…Your lips…", Zohan said as he kissed me again. I let him kiss me, feeling what I longed for so much in my life but had never had the chance to partake of but I had to stop. Something told me it wasn't right. I had bad vibes about the whole thing.

"Zohan, I must admit I've fallen for you at first sight but I know you're taken. I can't let you do this. ", I stated as my voice began to go hoarse. I loathed crying in front of people, so I allowed myself to exit gracefully.

"I admire you for that. You're very brave. Just remember, I'm sure there are plenty of other eligible bachelors that will be begging to bang you…And if I were still single, I wouldn't hesitate, I do not kid you.", he said, as he pulled me close to caress me once more before I left. The sensation stayed with me for the rest of the day until I went back to my hotel room and slept for the night.

Chapter 2--Heartbreak

I had a feeling now that I had met Zohan that Dahlia "belonged" to him. I could sense it. A woman always knows when she is out of her league, and I knew I was out of mine. There was a certain amount of anger, jealousy, rage, and perhaps bitterness that rose within me that I didn't think I was capable of. I had never felt that way about anyone before, but having these emotions wasn't something I was proud of. I buried my head upon my pillow and began to weep. Suddenly, there came a call into my room and I heard the voice of Dahlia.

"Did anything happen between you and Zohan ?", she asked, sounding a bit miffed.

"No. I stopped him.", I answered. I also said I was sorry because I hadn't heard the rumors about the "bang boom" the ladies spoke of and he had "repented" of since dating her seriously.

"Let this be a warning. If I see you anywhere near this shop or catch you with Zohan, I will rip your heart out while it's still beating and stab it with a pair of shears. Is that clear, Ms. WASP ?", she threatened. I had heard rumors like this before but from someone who was clearly mentally unstable. This time I knew I could be in trouble if I didn't pay heed to this warning.

"I understand, Dahlia and again, I am sorry. I wish we could be friends.", I said, being truthful.

"Friends ? Hah ! Don't make me laugh, lady. Good thing for you I like Americans because if I didn't…", she said. I could almost hear her teeth grating. Again, I apologized and she accepted. I prayed she didn't hold a grudge, but I found it hard to sleep that night. Heartbroken and empty I didn't know how I could live life without knowing I would never find a man so incredible as Zohan. Bitterly, I wept and depression clung to me like a wet blanket. Tomorrow, I knew I would have to do something or I might jump from a bridge and end my pain.

Chapter 3--Discotechque

I didn't come out of my room until the next evening. Feeling a bit sorry for myself, I decided to try clubbing for the first time in my life. I wasn't much for big crowds and I could only afford a second-hand party dress but it had hardly been used. I put it on and felt like a princess for once in my life. Suddenly my self-worth had been given a much-needed boost and I began talking to the immigrants in the room. Many of the Hispanics were making moves on me and I knew how to turn them down gently in Spanish. Most of them just wanted an easy ticket to America and I understood where they were coming from. I thought it was silly of them to be coming to America at a time of economical crisis but even now our country looked 100 times better than what little they had to live upon day after day. And here I was complaining about paltry matters like gas prices, the lack of jobs, pork barrel spending and politics.

I felt someone bump into me and I turned around. It was Zohan. I tried walking away quickly, but he pulled me back.

"I can't be seen around you. Dahlia would kill me. Literally.", I said, shivering a bit. He held me close, stroking my hair lightly.

"It is a shame someone as pretty and witty as you is alone. Why must the world be so cruel ?", he said, stroking my hair. He seemed to be unable to pull himself from me, much like I was to him but I knew it was wrong and ill-advised.

"God said he had someone special in mind. I didn't think he meant you. Besides, whenever I fall for someone, _especially _someone Jewish, which is my biggest weakness, it ends up biting me in the tuchus.", I said, chuckling. He couldn't help but laugh at the fact I knew bits of Yiddish while having absolutely no Jewish upbringing.

"They were foolish. They didn't know what they were passing up. That one fellow though, I think he was bluffing. The other…that is so tragic. What of the love you have now or do you not have that ?", he asked, putting his hand to my heart. I blushed darkly. His touch was electrifying, and I remained rational despite that. If I had let into my carnal desires, I would be dragging him by the collar into the nearest closet and letting him have his way with me, not caring about the consequences.

"No, no love right now. But I feel he is close.", I said.

"What if it is me ?", Zohan questioned, kissing my hands. I was afraid to look at him, for fear I'd cry. I wanted to hear these words, especially from him. It was almost as if I was in a fairy tale. He was so gentle, but there was a passion about him I could sense. I feared that in time, he'd grow tire of me and cheat on me because I wanted to wait to make love. I was old fashioned in that respect.

"Zohan…You have Dahlia. I cannot take that from you. I think you should go. If she were to find you here with me, I think we'd both be dog meat, friend.", I said. Gently, I stood up on my tip-toes to kiss his cheek very tenderly, and I began to cry. I couldn't stop myself. I had to leave that discotechque soon or live in disappointment the rest of my life.

Chapter 4--Making Amends

That night, Zohan had made a call secretly outside of Dahlia's earshot and told me he was lamenting over my sorrow.

"Sweet as that is and as flattered as I am, I can't accept that. Look, the one promised for me is out there somewhere. He just has to find me. I believe that one day, when he does locate me, I'll know !", I said, happily.

"You're incredible. The man who has you for a wife will be undeniably blessed.", Zohan stated, honestly. It had been a short telephone call and I felt a sense of serenity after it was over. Even though I had been warned to steer clear of Dahlia by her own lips, I felt it was better if I saw her in person and explained what happened (or what hadn't in my case) before I left the next day.

That evening, after having a rather filling meal, I stepped into the salon. Dahlia had a murderous look in her eyes and I was fearful straight to the marrow of my bone. No sooner had I started explaining everything to her that she finally saw the error of her ways and forgave me.

"He even has a second job now as a model. You wouldn't believe it, but we'll soon have enough to start our own lives and live comfortably. He works so hard for the both of us.", Dahlia said, her love-struck eyes sparkling. I could tell she was completely in love with her beloved. She then did something unexpected.

"I can see why so many people love you. I'm certain there is someone tremendous in the world for you that our Lord intended.", she said, kissing my cheek gently. Only a day before, she had been threatening my life and now we had become the best of friends. She gave me her blessing and told me to never give up being who I was. As she said, "Someone will notice."

Epilogue 

I had been lucky enough to have a photograph taken with Dahlia and Zohan before I left New York and to this day, that very photograph remains with me. It is signed,

"Aim high, work hard, be yourself." from the two of them. I even get letters from them from time to time, and only currently the two have set their wedding date, to which I was invited. I may not have the chance to attend since I don't have much money to return there, but heaven willing I will try to attend. Even if I can't, I decided to get the lucky couple something for their journey into wedded life together. Strangely, I wasn't even envious of them. They had found happiness and some day, I would have that type of happiness for myself. For now, there was a different type of joy. Each morning, I counted my blessings, kept my goals in check and remembered I had a fan club supporting me in anything I decided to undertake.

The End


End file.
